Saint Dog

I have a Christian dog, and I'd like to propose him for sainthood.

What name does he answer to?

His name is Dexter (after Dexter Gordon, the be-bop tenor player who had the starring role in the film Round Midnight.

How do you know Dexter is Christian?

Because he is directed by God to perform acts worthy of sainthood.

What acts are these?

(Notice my catechistic format? Maybe I should propose myself for sainthood. For another writer who has mastered a sacred form, see James Joyce, who in Ulysses wrote a long penultimate chapter in catechistic form. I don't know who is my influence: the Pope or James Joyce.)

Ahem (you don't seem to be listening): what acts are these?

In our backyard, I have a statue of the Buddha. Dexter regularly treats this statue with holy disdain. No matter how many times I cleanse it with the hose, Dexter returns with the usual contemptuous baptism.

Why does Dexter do this?

He does this to extend his dominion, as we are instructed to carry the gospel to the hinterlands and bless non-believers with it.

Why else does he do this?

The statue is in his territory, and he ascertains that it is like Gog and Magog (though it is only Buddha, and Buddha is meditating, hardly aware of the golden showers befalling him) and he must try to make it fall forward on its face, and chip its nose. He must, like Samson, destroy the theaters of the Philistines.

But is there anything that redeems this infidel garden?

Yes, around the corner there is a statue of a saint.

Describe this statue.

It has no head, and it carries a babe in its arms, symbolizing the saint's tenderness toward little children.

Is the babe a male or a female?

The statue is stone, so it is impossible to determine the gender of the child in the usual way.

What happened to the head of the statue?

Mysteriously broken off--perhaps doing battle with the statue of some pagan deity. There were several at the shop.

At that shop, were there headed saints, besides this headless one?

Yes.

Why did you not purchase a saint with a head?

My wife made the decision.

Hmph. Adam's excuse. What were her reasons for preferring headlessness to headedness?

She is a former Catholic. Though I do not inquire into her motivations, I suppose that her background gives her an especial insight into the nature of sainthood.

Does Dexter pee on this statue as well?

No, he genuflects.

What is your religion?

I suppose that my background is Protestant, though my grandmother carted me off to Episcopal church, and I'm not sure that really qualifies, since it began as the English flip-of-the-finger to the Pope over Henry VIII's divorce. Catholics, Protestants of all stripes, and Anglicans duked it out for quite awhile in England, and with much loss of life, which often seems to accompany the most devout religious commitment. To my credit, I have participated in no burnings at the stake of people whose beliefs disagreed with mine, nor have I assented to torture, or burnt any heretical books. This disqualifies me, perhaps, from belonging to any religion.

So, you and your wife are quite compatible because your religious backgrounds are similar?

We are compatible because we have left our religious labyrinths behind and bask in the garden of no religious belief.

Has Dexter had the requisite visions for sainthood?

He sometimes moves his legs frantically in his sleep.

Is his character saintly, worthy of emulation by all who adopt him as their guiding spirit?

He is mellow, modest, humble, cheerful, and companionable. The only possible chink in his saintly armor is this: he is not above lying and manipulating when it comes to food. Though I have fed him, if there is any chance at all that my wife, when she gets home, will fall for his scam, he will not hesitate to act starved.

Is Dexter kind to children?

He adores them and does not molest them.

Is he kind to his fellow creatures?

We have a blind dog named Punky. Dexter delights in trying to pull her out of the van by her ear.

Is Dexter temperate in all ways?

Yes, except for food, and the mailman. And sometimes he strains at the leash, if he sees a skunk, a possum, or a coyote.

Dexter has many commendable qualities, but his most outstanding regards his respect for the headless saint, and his disdain for a mere stone idol.

But wait, the saint is stone too.

The stone Buddha is a sacreligious idol; the stone saint is a holy image, even without its head. The Headless Horseman was still a terror.

Here is an analogy: some bread is just bread--other bread is holy flesh. Some wine (or grape juice) is just wine (or grape juice)--other wine (or grape juice) is blood. The attitude you bring to it is transformative. God did not make Reality to be Reality: He made Reality to be everywhere and at all times a test of Faith. You demonstrate your Faith by denying Reality wherever and whenever necessary.

Dexter understands this. He is saved. You are lost. Dexter will be submitted for sainthood. As for you, things are grave. You too must go out and pee on the Buddha.